I’ve been struggling with some things lately.
I feel not in control of my own life.
I feel ineffective and incompetent.
I feel lost.
I’m not happy about it, and it’s difficult to navigate. I’ll admit that I’ve felt sorry for myself too much. The feeling sorry for myself has
probably definitely gotten in my way as much or more than the actual “being lost and not in control” stuff.
I’m not too proud to say that I’ve been seeing a counselor to help cope with some of this ickiness (the self-hate, the anxiety, the depression, the lack of direction). It’s helping. Slowly. Through that work, I’ve had a handful of experiences that show me that, first and foremost, I need to get out of my own way.
My fears. My assumptions. My avoidance. My withdrawal. These thoughts and behaviors are all based in attempts to control things, to reduce the pain of a situation. But they don’t help. They don’t serve me. They just slow down healing and growth. That’s the opposite of what I truly want.
Instead of these vain attempts to control everything, I need to let go. I need to have faith that things will work out. Things do happen for a reason. And sometimes there are reasons that things don’t happen. You emerge stronger on the other side. I will emerge stronger on the other side. I’m able to identify this rationally, logically, but it’s been a harder road to embrace it emotionally. I am still so afraid. And angry.
I know this is a super vague post about vague problems and vague vague vagueness. I loathe vague posts, yet here we are. I wish I were brave enough to speak more candidly about some of my struggles, but I’m not yet. And that’s ok. Eventually, I’ll get out of my own way, grow, heal, and be able to share more openly here.
And if you’re feeling stuck or lost or whatever, try to breathe, be in the moment, and take small steps forward. Eventually, some version of okay will emerge.